Tears, that hurt.

I've shed tears, and almost tears, over the past few days. For reasons that hurt a lot more than I thought. There was the aspect of family, friends and my girls.

I was made to recall childhood memories on Monday in class, and it made my heart pump so hard because they were pretty traumatic. I remembered the loss of my dearest kindergarten classmate, who was also my partner. It was strange returning to school day after day, knowing that he'd never be back. He drowned. And I don't think I took it very well then. I still think of him, and I'm not sure if he knew Jesus then. I really hope he did. Wherever you are Ivan Ong, I wish you well.

Then I remembered the day my Grandfather suffered a stroke that left him half-paralyzed. I was still in kindergarten too. Vivid images stay. This incident was brought up again when I visited my grandparents just a few hours ago. My Grandma told me that she wanted to bring me to the hospital with her but she couldn't find me. Well, I was hiding in my parents' room, crying. Out of nothing but fear. And I've not been able to speak to my grandfather the way I thought I'd be able to. But expressions are enough. They will be enough. I grew up really close to my Grandfather, because he was always the one waiting to pick me up at the void deck everyday. He made me the best milkshakes in the world everyday after lunch, in a milk bottle. He brought me down to the playground and ensured I never fell down.

And there was the worst accident that ever happened to me, thus far. Falling from the top of a flight of stairs, landing head-first. That left me with a bump, not bum, on my forehead. It swelled so badly that when my Grandma opened the door, she couldn't stop screaming and shouting, until my Mom arrived that morning. I almost thought I was brain-dead.

But I realised that no matter how traumatizing my experiences were, they made me. They shaped me. And I'm loving my grandparents more than I thought I would. I should deliberately head down to Woodlands more often.

What more could I say about friends? One broke the heart in my spirit, quite literally, on Friday night. He doesn't know. And I don't know how to tell him, because we've been rather distant. But there's one thing I'd like to do before I leave earth: That's to be able to smile encouragement into someone's eyes. No words necessary. Just a smile. That will suffice. I thought about how effective I've been as a friend, and I concluded that I settled for less. How much more am I going to give up? Just how much longer am I going to spend in idleness?

And to my Sengkang One girls.. I watched you girls worship in service. It broke my heart, again. I've seen you all in action when the element of fun is brought in. When I flip the page, it's empty. The painful part is that I can't start writing or staining the page with anything at all. Only you can. You have to take the first step. And I'm only there to help you with filling up your pages. I meant it when I said I'd be crying with you. I'm hurting with you. Thank you for being who you really are. My prayer is that you'll finally see that you were made for so much more. So much more than what you've settled for.

I've had uplifting moments in the week too. But God has been pushing the darker ones deeper. Not to depress me, but to remind me that we are all but temporal.

To Isaac Peter, Vanessa, Terese, Bean Friend and Childhood Friend, thank you for playing the part of my uplifters this week.